Surprise Surprise

I am simply not aloud to have a long period of time at work where nothing goes wrong. My schedule is fucked up. I’m only working three shifts this next week and none of them are weekend shifts except for the Sunday morning shift I always have, but that doesn’t count. Just recently I changed my availability so that I was able to work a few more days of the week. I need the money so bad it’s not even funny. I’m just breaking even. I have just enough money for gas and the few other things I might get throughout the week. I have no money to save for my North Carolina trip or a car. I still have to buy my warped tour ticket and save for that trip. I’m so screwed if it either doesn’t start picking up at work or the manager fixes my schedule. My tip percentage is fine, as are my sales. I don’t know what the problem is.

Then to add to all of that, I have been feeling super emotional the past few days. I could be going through PMS but I have a feeling that’s not it because when that happens it’s usually very mild, never this severe. I really just need someone I can tell anything to, who won’t judge, who lives here (no offense John), because having someone here is much different from someone who you can talk to via text or video chat. Someone who can hug me afterwards and tell me I’m over thinking everything for no reason. Shawna lives an hour away, Josh lives almost two away and John lives thousands of miles away. People at work are cool but I’m not that close to anyone there.

Even though I’m always surrounded by people I feel very lonely right now. In a weird way I feel very lonely. That doesn’t add to my over emotional self right now. I go through these phases from time to time though, it will just take a week or so and then I’ll be good to go. I’ll be able to keep all those emotions inside or write about them and my life will be back to normal. Why do I punish myself!? I was just on twitter and it’s like because I’m not working I don’t get to go out with the other chicks that work there. All of sudden these three girls that Im pretty close to are always going out together, and then tweeting about it. I work tonight maybe things will be better then. Sometimes the best remedy is work. I can be around people even if I’m not talking to them about anything.

 

Enlightenment

For the longest time all I knew is that I liked to write. I did have much of a reason except for how it all started. Tonight that changed. Because I kind of blew up at John (which I feel really bad about, I blame it on PMS). Anyways lets start with the story of when I start writing.

Back in like my freshman year of high school I was grounded because of grades and it seemed I couldn’t get them up or I would break the rules of the grounding earning me more time in jail. At some point I was grounded on my birthday. Well it got to a point where my mom even took away any source of music because I was sneaking it with a cheap little mp3 player. I didn’t have nay other options other than homework and reading (which I also did a lot of). I started writing on my notes from class and on spare sheets of paper. I started sitting at my desk at home n the corner with a pencil and notebooks and I would get lost for hours just writing. I’ve lost most of the crap over the years but I still have a few of the notebooks that I decorated and everything.

Well once I got all my privileges back, I kept righting when we were watching movies in classes or during free time. Very few people knew that I was writing but it was one of my happiest times just because I had a really good way to get my issues on paper rather than having to tell someone. I was making dramatic stories based on the things that were happening around me.

Very few people to this day have read much of anything I’ve written as far as personal stuff. I’ve written things for writing classes but that’s not the same thing. My mom still acts surprised when I talk about taking a writing class or how I was writing at Starbucks. My dad told everyone at his father funeral that I might get a degree in english because I liked to write so much. I didn’t write much that year.

Well tonight John was telling me that he was going fishing this weekend and I was kind of bashing it. I said that fishing was boring and lame. I know a ton of people who like to fish. It’s just not my cup of tea. I if need to fish or die, I’m going to fish (I have fished before, I have an idea of what to do if I need to). I was being sort of sarcastic but he turned around and said something like ” I don’t talk smack on you writing.” and I wrote in all capital letters “IT’S NOT THE SAME.” then he responds with “you write to relax right?” and this is my moment, the moment where I really understand why I write. This is my reply:

No, I write to create a world that doesn’t exist that other people would like to escape to. Not for me. I write when the real world is a horrible place to be and the only thing better is one I can imagine. It doesn’t relax me at all, it gets me excited and my blood pumping. I don’t sit and wait for something to catch on, I make things happen.

My life is forever changed. Even if you didn’t mean to, I thank you John for making me remember where my passion lies and why I write.

Feeling good

So I’m sitting outside Starbucks typing up some of the stuff I wrote for my writing class. I never sit outside. I sit inside where I can people watch and drink my coffee. But i’ve been trying to save money so I don’t actually buy coffee as much. I find other places to go or I’ll go inside and just not buy anything. I know that’s weird and most people would just stay home and write and do homework. But for some reason I just can’t do it.

I can’t focus at home. I want to watch TV or play a game on my computer. Then Isaac will walk in on me and start being a little shit (a little shit that I love to death) and I’ll have to mess with him, get him back. Then it’ll be time to go to the gym and work out which I will do before coming home to shower and and bullshit around before watching a movie and then sleeping.

One might think that with how late I stay up that I would have the time to get some writing done. It just doesn’t happen. I know everyone says that they are the worst about procrastination, but I am pretty darn bad.

Anyways back to sitting outside Starbucks. It is kinda beautiful out here. There is a nice cool breeze and it’s getting dark and chilly. It reminds me of being near the beach. I want to go to the beach house on Oak Island so bad it’s not even fair.

Thats all I can ever think about lately. I’ll walk outside to take the trash out and the breeze will blow the same way it did up there when I would step out on the porch. The cars passing by kinda remind me of the waves in the distance.

Even if I can’t be in Oak Island I just need to be in the state of North Carolina.

This is kind of weird for me. . .

I have been slacking when it comes to writing on this blog or my other one, but I have been given a chance to do some writing in this class I’m taking this summer therefore I am taking my opportunity.

So I signed up for this class because I have been wanting to take it since I started at this school but it was only available at a different campus. So far it’s a ton of fun and. . . That so doesn’t sound like me ugh! I can’t write with so much quietness. Everyone in the class is super quiet and it’s driving me nuts. I just threw in a headphone and now I’m writing again. That was weird.

But I am having tons of fun in this class the teacher is cool and there are only 5 people in the entire class. It’s throwing off my schedule a little because it’s in the middle of the day, but it’s worth it.

So for the rest of my summer, something I have yet to really talk about. This a good good year for music for me. Memorial day there is something called rock on the river in Jacksonville with a bunch of random bands that they play on the radio. Thats not why I’m going. I am going for the used. I have been wanting to see them since I was like 13. I requested the day off and I can’t even begin to explain my excitement.

Shortly after that I am going to North Carolina WITH MY FAMILY. Last year I had to go for a weekend by my self because I was in school both summer semesters. This year we are going for a week and we are staying at my grandma’s which is going to be a little crowded this year. My aunt and uncle are having issues with finding a new house after they already sold their current one so they are going to be staying with grandma as well. That is 12 people in one house. It shouldn’t be too bad since we’ve stayed in beach houses smaller than this for a week before. The thing is we were always busy when we were at those beach houses. We’ll see how it goes, I’ll have to let you all know.

Then after I get back from North Carolina I will be going to Warped Tour. I haven’t been in  few years and I am stoked! I’m going with Ron Weasley from work and some other people. All Time Low will be there. I’ve already seen them live but there a few other bands I wouldn’t mind watching. Not only that seeing a band a a venue and watching them at warped tour are two different experiences.

Then in August John will be here =). I can’t even begin to explain how anxious I am. He told me just the other night that he wanted to see me before he did anything else, even if I was at work. He’s driving from El Paso with one of his friends that is going to be a long drive and last time he called me to keep himself awake. Maybe since he has a friend with him it will be better. He also keeps bring up this big birthday plan he has for me. The only clue he’s giving me is that it only happens in Florida. AHHH!! Im going to freak out if I don’t find out soon.

Well that is my summer summarized into one post. I will try to keep everyone updated more often (if not just myself).

*sigh*

So I am currently sitting in Barnes and Noble (or the Starbucks in Barnes and Noble). Im looking out the front window into the traffic and the lights of all the stores across the street. All the restaurants are full of people eating and drinking. There are groups of people sitting around me talking and laughing, and couples talking amongst themselves then smiling. The dessert cooler is aglow with a chocolate cake calling my name, with an iced coffee in my hand. Classes are over for another two weeks and there isn’t a worry in the world for me. This is where I belong.

A buzzing city around me with plenty to do. Just last night two friends from work asked me to go long boarding with them. I’ve never really been on a long board before, but it was so much fun because it felt like my life should right now. We sat in a little pedestrian tunnel thing, and talked, took silly pics, and just had fun. I need to leave this place so bad. I am ready for Raleigh right now. If I could transfer right now with the grades I have, I would in a heartbeat. Even if I didn’t have the money or a plan.

Granted I love these new people I’ve been hanging with at work. I have finally found a group that I can relate with there. It’s cool since Shawna and Josh have moved. I’m going to someone’s birthday party in a few weeks and we plan to go skating again next Friday night after work.

I just need to be in a city. I real city. Not this stupid little town. In the past two weeks I have run into more people that I don’t want to see, than I should, two of them where while I was driving! I want a place with yoga studios and cute bakeries. I want to be able to ride my bike places, without it being considered weird. Or wearing some killer outfits without my friends thinking I overdress (because I can tell you that Im not its just this little judgy place). I am yearning for this more than ever with the coming of summer. I really want to go to the beach  and the pool.

I don’t want to get older any faster than I am, but with that said I am beyond ready for my like to take flight into what I hope it will be.

From one adjective to the next

For once in my life I am not freaking out about my finals next week. Neither one of them is comprehensive, well half of one of them is. My grades are good in both of them so I’m fine I don’t need to make sure I get a certain grade on the final so that I pass, or anything like that. It’s a nice feeling. The only problem now is that I’m more worried about getting a B versus getting a C. Usually at the end of every semester I’m freaking out about my grades, but this semester has been great I did all my work, I studied whenever I needed to and I actually enjoyed both of them. I have other reason to be stressing though, this week has been a rough one.

I’m having sleeping issues. I wouldn’t call it insomnia or narcolepsy, I just don’t ever want to sleep at night. I sleep all day and then stay up all night. I feel like I get more done like I’m more productive. My brother is asleep therefore leaving me alone, my parents are sleeping so they can’t bug me about getting something done, people aren’t texting me non stop, and it’s just plain peaceful. So I stay up till about 4 or 5 in the morning, then I sleep till about 8 when I have to get up for class, then I come home and sleep till I have to get ready for work which is usually around 3 or 4pm. I hate it because I feel like I’m sleeping my whole day away and I can’t go to the post office at night or the bank. It’s like I don’t like the day time, I simply prefer night. So my mom told me I should try to not sleep at all during the day to wear myself down that way at the end of the day I will want to sleep. But yesterday I came back from class and I couldn’t help it, I passed out around 2pm. I tried I watched TV, talked to my guy, cleaned up a little, but I just started to die. So I went to bed last night at 2 instead of 4 to warm my self up. Didn’t have class today so I set my alarm for noon, thats ten hours. I woke up at 7 and kept walking up every 15min. I was messed up from going to bed two hours earlier and I though I had school so I woke just before my alarm would normally go off. Well I fell back asleep shortly and woke up again when my dad was doing some work on my brothers room (meaning an electric saw and nail gun). Passed back out (I can sleep through anything). Alarm went off at 12 finally and I didn’t want to get up so I turned in off and laid back down. Didn’t fall asleep right away so I sent a text to my guy as well as someone from work who had texted me. Then I fell back asleep till about 2pm. FML. I guess I’m just going to have to stick to it till my body has been retrained.

Then there is this “guy.” Everything is great between us. I have fully fallen for him. You know how they say the person you’re meant to be with makes you more you? Thats what he does for me. I can tell him anything and he does the same. We tease each other about everything and laugh it off. We both had bad days Monday and we both talked to each other. But I miss him everyday. I know I talk to him everyday but I don’t see or touch him everyday. If he lived here we would be in a real relationship by now and we both know it. He’s worth it though. I simply think it’s funny how we’ve moved from telling each other “you’r so cute, haha”, to “you’r awesome” to “you’r amazing” and I’m now waiting for one of us to say the L word. I know we both do, it’s just a matter of it coming out of one of our mouths. I would really like to wait till he comes over this summer, but I don’t know if i’ll be able to wait that long. He has this big plan for my birthday. He leaves for Korea about a week before I turn 21, so he has something planned that he said is going to take an entire day. He wants to talk to my parents to make sure that they are okay with it. I’m sure they will be, he said we won’t have to stay overnight or anything so we should be good to go. I have no idea what he has planned but it’s getting more excited about him coming home. When I can’t sleep at night I think about him and I’m out in no time. When I’m having a bad moment I imagine him hugging me, and everything is fine. When I’m talking to him I’m imagining him sitting across from me telling me everything. I am absolutely positive that we are going to work out just fine even while he is in Korea. I just want him here right now =)

OMFG!!! I am in so deep!

So for about 6 seconds I was worried that what John and I had going on wasn’t going to work and then I talked with him on Skype tonight and now all of that went away.

I don’t know what it was precisely that did it, but towards the end of the conversation we were talking about his trip back here this summer and then about when he has to go to Seattle to fly off to Korea. NOT EXCITED ABOUT THAT. But I think that’s when I realized how much I would miss him and how much I want him here right now. It’s so unfair.

I kinda hope this is one of those one that he ends up reading, even though I make these private. Sometimes I secretly someone I know would fine them hidden somewhere and find out more about me than anyone every knows.

But I want him to read this one just so he know just how much I truly do care about him, even if it did bug me just a wee bit that he asked me to Skype but showed up with his friends cleaning some paintball guns. I know he was busy and he was excited about his game tomorrow but. . . I guess I had just gotten a little more attention, and I’m not someone who ever ask for much attention.

But like I said by the end of the conversation I just missed the shit out of him.